Every 4 hours I get to drain and look at this

Overdoing it

It has been 10 days now and it is xmas eve.

I have really been overdoing it by just thinking I was doing what was "normal". but I have discovered that you really need someone to help you with almost everything that is normal. Reaching in any way, like doing the dishes, or reaching up to get a plate, even wiping yourself or taking a shower, is too much. It is just causing me not to heal fast and I still have the drains in me because of that. It feels like someone is standing on my chest with "golfing shoes". . So then I have to take more meds for the pain and that makes me really feel out of it...forgetting even the simplest things.

My friend Jeanne, who I really trusted has ended up having some sort of freak out over a misunderstanding of my helping her with money (which I dont have ) has hurt me terribly. The stress has made my healing really suffer, and I just don't understand what has happened. I cannot talk with her about it until I feel that I have my strength back. She somehow thinks I am drinking and doing drugs along with my medications, which i am not, even though my doctor said I could have a glass of wine or smoke a little pot if I wanted. (great doctor)

As far as the diagnosis goes, it is really confusing because eveidently when i had my first lumpectomy at kaiser, they had taken out more than just the centinal lobe,, and had even left some staples in there. It was pretty scared up, and he really only had one lobe to have evaluated. This means that we can't be absolutly sure that it hasn't spread. He says he thinks I am fine, but we will be talking with the oncologist to see what his recommendation is. He says I should have some kind of chemo whether it is a more mild type or the tomoxofin. but because of my already compromised imune system, he doesn't think that I should have any agressive chemo just because we aren't sure if it has spread. As usual, my case is always unusual!!! I worry because I am always the "percent" even though it is small, of the one that gets it back. I should't have gotten it back in the first place in this breast.

So maybe i will go have a glass of wine and a little hit on the pipe instead of taking a pain pill, and see how that does. It is, after all, xmas eve! Linda is making spagetti sauce as a tradition in her family, and then tomorrow if it doesn't rain maybe we can take a drive up the grass valley and see the decorations.

"The boys are glad mama is home"

I am finally home and all my cats are happy. I am being well taken care of and still feeling pretty good. I really don't need any help except for lifting or pulling or reaching up.

Dressed for the ride home

Even after this, my tits are still uneven! I'm all hooked up to the drains for the ride home.

Day after surgery

Well, I got the nurse to take a picture! I got real good care and hardly any pain. I had a private room, and lots of good drugs. It really isn't very bad...not any pain....I just feel like i look like a guy with a beer belly now! For sure I have a reason to lose weight.

gettomg ready for "the big day"

I feel much more at ease after seeing my surgeon today. I know I am in good hands. He isn't that stuffy "I am the doctor" kind of guy, yet I feel he is the best because he sees me not as a patient, but as an individual. You can just tell. He walked in, held out his arms and I was able to tell him how scared I was. He didn't try to talk me out of it, but just asked what I needed to have him explain. He is going to try to do the "blue dye centinal lobe" before he just goes in and takes out all the lymph nodes. He is worried that because of the former surgerys,, there will be too much scar tissue for it to work, but we will give it a try before. My scare will go under my arm anyway because of my breast tissue going that way, anyway. He is going to try to make it all look as smooth as possible. He is also going to give me IV antibiotics while I am in the hospital to make sure that the infection i may still have won't go anywhere.

I have such good friends, and especially my friend Linda who is taking me there and will be really watching over me. I really trust her knowledge and that she will be the best advocate I could have between me and the nurses (if you know what I mean). She is so sick herself, but I realize that she does care and will go out of her way to help me. It has always been hard for me to ask for help, feeling like I am putting others out of their way for me, but Linda makes me realize that she would be hurt if I didn't ask for her help...that is a new way for me of seeing things. I am allergic to morphine,and every time I have had surgery, they try to give it to me, even though it says everywhere that I am allergic ! I also want to stay on a liquid diet as long as I can. I have fasted before, and I know it gives my body a better chance of focusing on healing instead of digesting. I would like to then stick to a mostly vegetable diet if I can. I would really love to lose weight after all this. My health needs it and my body needs it.

As far as my relationship with my daughter, after thinking about it, I think just sticking to us talking on the phone is a good idea for a long time. All I really want to know is how she is doing in her life (if she will share it with me) and how the kids are doing. It will take time for trust to come back for her, I think, and if we don't go into my life "which she has no interest in" there will be no emotional stuff from the past come up. I am learning that you can't expect some people in your life to accept you as you are, even your own relatives....probably mostly relatives. Learning to keep my mouth shut is a part of growing up! Listening to others, not even having suggestions or answers for them unless they ask, is a good way of being in the world.

surgery coming soon and its getting scary

I called the Dr today to find out how long I would be in the hospital for the surgery, thinking 24 hours was it. He said it could be 3 or 4 days! Again, a shock that it is really serious surgery...it is not just like having my breast reduction! I have been being just like my mother was with her cancer....not making a big deal out of it. But this is a big deal, and I want to express myself and not feel like I am being "over dramatic". I have always been accused of being dramatic by my mother and my children, and I have held back from myself, what it feels like to me. I don't even know how to express it, because it is so old and embedded in my persona. But what it does is make me feel alone. I don't trust that I can be myself and not be humiliated or made fun of. It is about time I express myself, don't you think? I have so afraid of what people will think. I am so like my mother, but I am not the part of her that was mean and vindictive and jealous.

I don't want to be going through this! It is not fair! It is now a time in life where I should be able to finally do what I want to do and enjoy my life for me...and what happens....I have to deal with illness, fatigue,loss of freedom, loss of my son, loss of my money, loss of my daughter, loss of my grandchildren, loss of my breasts, etc

ALERT!!! As I am writing this blog, my daughter calls me! I didn't even recognize her at first!
She wanted to tell me that she loves me(and how could I ever think she didn't)...she says at first "I don't want to get into any old stuff, I just want to tell you right now that I have decided to talk with you during this time and that she wants to figure out how to have a different kind of relationship with me". Miracles do happen! She of course was saying she isn't worried, nothing is going to happen to me, I am going to be alright (she is taking the fixing position) and she was very unemotional and matter of fact (as she always is) I just listened and told her I loved her and that it was now such a relief that the ice is broken. It is so funny, because her main thing was to make it sound like "how could i ever think for one minute that she didn't love". In other words, how could I get emotional or have all the feelings I have expressed in this blog...that it is no big deal...that is how she operates in her unemotional state that makes her feel safe. She is very afraid of emotions, and she was making sure that I didn't have any and she didn't. I don't know what she thinks "a new kind of relationship will be" but I am sure it will be on her own terms. You know, at this point in my life, I do not expect to have to kind of mother daughter relationship of my dreams, but I don't want what we had before, which was her demeaning and bullying humiliation, and my "taking it" and never commenting on it. I have had time too, to know what I will take and not take from life. I have grown up alot and been on my own, made my own place for myself without any help from her, and I don't "need her" any more. For a long time I "needed" her, and that was difficult on her too, and set us up for a very disfunctional relationship. She doesn't realize it yet, but I don't need her and therefor will not stand for the abuse any more. I will nip it in the bud, and find a way to "call her on it", before it becomes toxic.