Back in the hospital for infection

I hadn't been getting better and now I know why. I probably had been carryiing around that old infection somewhere, and it was causing me more pain than i should have been having. the other night, linda looked at my chest (it is now a chest, not a breast) and it was red, with creeping red lines. i called the doctor on call, he said just take an antiobotic i happened to have, and come see my doctor the next day. but thank god for linda, she talked me into going to the ER anyway. turned out i had a 101 fever....so i have been staying there getting IV drugs over the new year. Happy New year.

I am personallly dealing with my old deamons of "wanting to be taken care of, and no one wanting to take care of me". As a young person...not good, but as a get sick and old, it becomes a scary reality. Did I create these illnesses out of my fears??? what do i do now? there is nothing I can do. It is the way my life is and I guess I can only go through it as gracefully as I can. I have no family support left, and the person, Jeanne, who I had trusted and probably put too much pressure on, flew the coop. It was my image and my need that i created what I thought would be a "best friend" and I could know would take care of me so there is no blame on her. She has to look at it from her issues and needs. but I have to find a place within that can stay out of fear and get on with my life!

Dealing with the cancer has shown me alot of my fears and needs and who is there in the end. My friend Linda, who is too sick to help me, was the only person there for me. I know how hard it was for her, and it has brought us closer together, but could also fracture our friendship. I fear that when she needs me, I won't do it right, or something will not be done to her picture of perfection...not trying to say anthing about her, it is more of my thing....it is my fear that I cannot do it right (I am babbleing on because of pain meds, but without, I caannot type without pain, so it is a toss -up)

I am going to have to write more on this when my brain is functioning. Off to bed to rest.