Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Overdoing it
It has been 10 days now and it is xmas eve.
I have really been overdoing it by just thinking I was doing what was "normal". but I have discovered that you really need someone to help you with almost everything that is normal. Reaching in any way, like doing the dishes, or reaching up to get a plate, even wiping yourself or taking a shower, is too much. It is just causing me not to heal fast and I still have the drains in me because of that. It feels like someone is standing on my chest with "golfing shoes". . So then I have to take more meds for the pain and that makes me really feel out of it...forgetting even the simplest things.
My friend Jeanne, who I really trusted has ended up having some sort of freak out over a misunderstanding of my helping her with money (which I dont have ) has hurt me terribly. The stress has made my healing really suffer, and I just don't understand what has happened. I cannot talk with her about it until I feel that I have my strength back. She somehow thinks I am drinking and doing drugs along with my medications, which i am not, even though my doctor said I could have a glass of wine or smoke a little pot if I wanted. (great doctor)
As far as the diagnosis goes, it is really confusing because eveidently when i had my first lumpectomy at kaiser, they had taken out more than just the centinal lobe,, and had even left some staples in there. It was pretty scared up, and he really only had one lobe to have evaluated. This means that we can't be absolutly sure that it hasn't spread. He says he thinks I am fine, but we will be talking with the oncologist to see what his recommendation is. He says I should have some kind of chemo whether it is a more mild type or the tomoxofin. but because of my already compromised imune system, he doesn't think that I should have any agressive chemo just because we aren't sure if it has spread. As usual, my case is always unusual!!! I worry because I am always the "percent" even though it is small, of the one that gets it back. I should't have gotten it back in the first place in this breast.
So maybe i will go have a glass of wine and a little hit on the pipe instead of taking a pain pill, and see how that does. It is, after all, xmas eve! Linda is making spagetti sauce as a tradition in her family, and then tomorrow if it doesn't rain maybe we can take a drive up the grass valley and see the decorations.
I have really been overdoing it by just thinking I was doing what was "normal". but I have discovered that you really need someone to help you with almost everything that is normal. Reaching in any way, like doing the dishes, or reaching up to get a plate, even wiping yourself or taking a shower, is too much. It is just causing me not to heal fast and I still have the drains in me because of that. It feels like someone is standing on my chest with "golfing shoes". . So then I have to take more meds for the pain and that makes me really feel out of it...forgetting even the simplest things.
My friend Jeanne, who I really trusted has ended up having some sort of freak out over a misunderstanding of my helping her with money (which I dont have ) has hurt me terribly. The stress has made my healing really suffer, and I just don't understand what has happened. I cannot talk with her about it until I feel that I have my strength back. She somehow thinks I am drinking and doing drugs along with my medications, which i am not, even though my doctor said I could have a glass of wine or smoke a little pot if I wanted. (great doctor)
As far as the diagnosis goes, it is really confusing because eveidently when i had my first lumpectomy at kaiser, they had taken out more than just the centinal lobe,, and had even left some staples in there. It was pretty scared up, and he really only had one lobe to have evaluated. This means that we can't be absolutly sure that it hasn't spread. He says he thinks I am fine, but we will be talking with the oncologist to see what his recommendation is. He says I should have some kind of chemo whether it is a more mild type or the tomoxofin. but because of my already compromised imune system, he doesn't think that I should have any agressive chemo just because we aren't sure if it has spread. As usual, my case is always unusual!!! I worry because I am always the "percent" even though it is small, of the one that gets it back. I should't have gotten it back in the first place in this breast.
So maybe i will go have a glass of wine and a little hit on the pipe instead of taking a pain pill, and see how that does. It is, after all, xmas eve! Linda is making spagetti sauce as a tradition in her family, and then tomorrow if it doesn't rain maybe we can take a drive up the grass valley and see the decorations.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
"The boys are glad mama is home"
I am finally home and all my cats are happy. I am being well taken care of and still feeling pretty good. I really don't need any help except for lifting or pulling or reaching up.
Dressed for the ride home
Even after this, my tits are still uneven! I'm all hooked up to the drains for the ride home.
Day after surgery
Well, I got the nurse to take a picture! I got real good care and hardly any pain. I had a private room, and lots of good drugs. It really isn't very bad...not any pain....I just feel like i look like a guy with a beer belly now! For sure I have a reason to lose weight.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
gettomg ready for "the big day"
I feel much more at ease after seeing my surgeon today. I know I am in good hands. He isn't that stuffy "I am the doctor" kind of guy, yet I feel he is the best because he sees me not as a patient, but as an individual. You can just tell. He walked in, held out his arms and I was able to tell him how scared I was. He didn't try to talk me out of it, but just asked what I needed to have him explain. He is going to try to do the "blue dye centinal lobe" before he just goes in and takes out all the lymph nodes. He is worried that because of the former surgerys,, there will be too much scar tissue for it to work, but we will give it a try before. My scare will go under my arm anyway because of my breast tissue going that way, anyway. He is going to try to make it all look as smooth as possible. He is also going to give me IV antibiotics while I am in the hospital to make sure that the infection i may still have won't go anywhere.
I have such good friends, and especially my friend Linda who is taking me there and will be really watching over me. I really trust her knowledge and that she will be the best advocate I could have between me and the nurses (if you know what I mean). She is so sick herself, but I realize that she does care and will go out of her way to help me. It has always been hard for me to ask for help, feeling like I am putting others out of their way for me, but Linda makes me realize that she would be hurt if I didn't ask for her help...that is a new way for me of seeing things. I am allergic to morphine,and every time I have had surgery, they try to give it to me, even though it says everywhere that I am allergic ! I also want to stay on a liquid diet as long as I can. I have fasted before, and I know it gives my body a better chance of focusing on healing instead of digesting. I would like to then stick to a mostly vegetable diet if I can. I would really love to lose weight after all this. My health needs it and my body needs it.
As far as my relationship with my daughter, after thinking about it, I think just sticking to us talking on the phone is a good idea for a long time. All I really want to know is how she is doing in her life (if she will share it with me) and how the kids are doing. It will take time for trust to come back for her, I think, and if we don't go into my life "which she has no interest in" there will be no emotional stuff from the past come up. I am learning that you can't expect some people in your life to accept you as you are, even your own relatives....probably mostly relatives. Learning to keep my mouth shut is a part of growing up! Listening to others, not even having suggestions or answers for them unless they ask, is a good way of being in the world.
I have such good friends, and especially my friend Linda who is taking me there and will be really watching over me. I really trust her knowledge and that she will be the best advocate I could have between me and the nurses (if you know what I mean). She is so sick herself, but I realize that she does care and will go out of her way to help me. It has always been hard for me to ask for help, feeling like I am putting others out of their way for me, but Linda makes me realize that she would be hurt if I didn't ask for her help...that is a new way for me of seeing things. I am allergic to morphine,and every time I have had surgery, they try to give it to me, even though it says everywhere that I am allergic ! I also want to stay on a liquid diet as long as I can. I have fasted before, and I know it gives my body a better chance of focusing on healing instead of digesting. I would like to then stick to a mostly vegetable diet if I can. I would really love to lose weight after all this. My health needs it and my body needs it.
As far as my relationship with my daughter, after thinking about it, I think just sticking to us talking on the phone is a good idea for a long time. All I really want to know is how she is doing in her life (if she will share it with me) and how the kids are doing. It will take time for trust to come back for her, I think, and if we don't go into my life "which she has no interest in" there will be no emotional stuff from the past come up. I am learning that you can't expect some people in your life to accept you as you are, even your own relatives....probably mostly relatives. Learning to keep my mouth shut is a part of growing up! Listening to others, not even having suggestions or answers for them unless they ask, is a good way of being in the world.
Monday, December 8, 2008
surgery coming soon and its getting scary
I called the Dr today to find out how long I would be in the hospital for the surgery, thinking 24 hours was it. He said it could be 3 or 4 days! Again, a shock that it is really serious surgery...it is not just like having my breast reduction! I have been being just like my mother was with her cancer....not making a big deal out of it. But this is a big deal, and I want to express myself and not feel like I am being "over dramatic". I have always been accused of being dramatic by my mother and my children, and I have held back from myself, what it feels like to me. I don't even know how to express it, because it is so old and embedded in my persona. But what it does is make me feel alone. I don't trust that I can be myself and not be humiliated or made fun of. It is about time I express myself, don't you think? I have so afraid of what people will think. I am so like my mother, but I am not the part of her that was mean and vindictive and jealous.
I don't want to be going through this! It is not fair! It is now a time in life where I should be able to finally do what I want to do and enjoy my life for me...and what happens....I have to deal with illness, fatigue,loss of freedom, loss of my son, loss of my money, loss of my daughter, loss of my grandchildren, loss of my breasts, etc
ALERT!!! As I am writing this blog, my daughter calls me! I didn't even recognize her at first!
She wanted to tell me that she loves me(and how could I ever think she didn't)...she says at first "I don't want to get into any old stuff, I just want to tell you right now that I have decided to talk with you during this time and that she wants to figure out how to have a different kind of relationship with me". Miracles do happen! She of course was saying she isn't worried, nothing is going to happen to me, I am going to be alright (she is taking the fixing position) and she was very unemotional and matter of fact (as she always is) I just listened and told her I loved her and that it was now such a relief that the ice is broken. It is so funny, because her main thing was to make it sound like "how could i ever think for one minute that she didn't love". In other words, how could I get emotional or have all the feelings I have expressed in this blog...that it is no big deal...that is how she operates in her unemotional state that makes her feel safe. She is very afraid of emotions, and she was making sure that I didn't have any and she didn't. I don't know what she thinks "a new kind of relationship will be" but I am sure it will be on her own terms. You know, at this point in my life, I do not expect to have to kind of mother daughter relationship of my dreams, but I don't want what we had before, which was her demeaning and bullying humiliation, and my "taking it" and never commenting on it. I have had time too, to know what I will take and not take from life. I have grown up alot and been on my own, made my own place for myself without any help from her, and I don't "need her" any more. For a long time I "needed" her, and that was difficult on her too, and set us up for a very disfunctional relationship. She doesn't realize it yet, but I don't need her and therefor will not stand for the abuse any more. I will nip it in the bud, and find a way to "call her on it", before it becomes toxic.
I don't want to be going through this! It is not fair! It is now a time in life where I should be able to finally do what I want to do and enjoy my life for me...and what happens....I have to deal with illness, fatigue,loss of freedom, loss of my son, loss of my money, loss of my daughter, loss of my grandchildren, loss of my breasts, etc
ALERT!!! As I am writing this blog, my daughter calls me! I didn't even recognize her at first!
She wanted to tell me that she loves me(and how could I ever think she didn't)...she says at first "I don't want to get into any old stuff, I just want to tell you right now that I have decided to talk with you during this time and that she wants to figure out how to have a different kind of relationship with me". Miracles do happen! She of course was saying she isn't worried, nothing is going to happen to me, I am going to be alright (she is taking the fixing position) and she was very unemotional and matter of fact (as she always is) I just listened and told her I loved her and that it was now such a relief that the ice is broken. It is so funny, because her main thing was to make it sound like "how could i ever think for one minute that she didn't love". In other words, how could I get emotional or have all the feelings I have expressed in this blog...that it is no big deal...that is how she operates in her unemotional state that makes her feel safe. She is very afraid of emotions, and she was making sure that I didn't have any and she didn't. I don't know what she thinks "a new kind of relationship will be" but I am sure it will be on her own terms. You know, at this point in my life, I do not expect to have to kind of mother daughter relationship of my dreams, but I don't want what we had before, which was her demeaning and bullying humiliation, and my "taking it" and never commenting on it. I have had time too, to know what I will take and not take from life. I have grown up alot and been on my own, made my own place for myself without any help from her, and I don't "need her" any more. For a long time I "needed" her, and that was difficult on her too, and set us up for a very disfunctional relationship. She doesn't realize it yet, but I don't need her and therefor will not stand for the abuse any more. I will nip it in the bud, and find a way to "call her on it", before it becomes toxic.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Me and my gorgeous brother 1995?
This is my wonderful brother who was "my first love". I have wanted to be close to him, all my life. As children, we were the best of friends. But as adults there has always been space between us. He is who he is. But intimacy is not what he is comfortable with. He and I are so different, but I always adored him. He has become more and more like my father was...distant, and uncommunicative of his real feelings. Isn't is a trip how become like our parents? He reminds me so much of my father. He is distant, but doesn't realize it. But I guess we all do what we have to to protect our feelings. I think men have it so much harder in life because they have to be "men". I accept who he is. 
my daughter & I, My brother in the good times
Having this blog, and writing from my heart is quite brave of me. Giving the address to friends and having them see that part of me, inside and out, the truth is raw. I am trying to tell the truth as if no one is really reading this, like my diary when I was a kid. But I am exposing myself to all. My God, I even have pictures of my deformed breast! Even my brother can see me!
I want to live in the truth, but in the moment with friends, the truth can offend or be taken wrong. We all live in fear of revealing ourselves to even those we love. It comes for me, from not really trusting those I have in my life. I am afraid that if I tell the truth, they will get mad, or leave me. I really don't care a bit for them to know who I really am, I am just afraid of their reactions.
I talked with my brother tonight who is in Mexico. I know he loves me, and we are the only ones left of our family. I have always wanted a close relationship with him, but it just can't happen. We react to each other from a place that is old and embedded in our psyche's. But I love him and I know he loves me. But I really cannot be myself with him, and I don't trust that I can really tell him how I feel. I am so saddened by that, and there is always something deeply missing when I hang up the phone. We seem to "do our usual thing" that is comfortable and doesn't offend, but when I hang up, I wish we could really "know" each other. It is like my relationship with my daughter, where I always have to be "vigilant" of what I am saying. I can't relax and be myself. I don't blame them, it is my issue too.
The thing I have loved about my relationship with Jeanne is that no matter what is said, I can stand up for my truth and I know that she will hang in there until we get through it to the end and we become closer and closer because of it. We have gone through our fears of thinking the other might get hurt, disapprove, get mad, whatever, and we have a greater understanding of who we are in relationship to each other. This is why she and my son are so perfect for each other. My son and I have this issue in common. We can't lie, we can't fake it, we can't pretend...
He is even more honest at this than I am, so he is my teacher. But I know that he got this from me in his dna, and that makes me feel like a good Mother. That is my ego talking , because I really believe that he chose me as his mother so that he could be validated for who he was, and I could be validated for who I am. Living in this world where we are all so fearful of being in the truth with each other, I have a son who understands me, and I know that there is another person who "gets it" of how I am in the world. There are very few of us (in fact I think we are from some other planet sometimes) who just cannot "play the game" of this society. I keep looking for others who understand this way of being, but I am disappointed. Then I can be in his presence and relax and know that I am not so strange. Jeanne has this essence also. I am so glad that they have found each other because to me, my greatest happiness is knowing that my child is happy and has found partnership in this world.
This brings up the issue with my daughter. I am so worried about her. How can she live with herself stuffing down the feelings that must come up with me and what i am going through?
My mother was not nice to me...she never liked me...and she would humiliate me and put me down at every opportunity....yet, when she got cancer, I was there...in a minute..I cried when I found out about her cancer. I had her live with me while she was going through chemo. I visited her every day and took her to her doctor appointments. It's true, my children were grown, and I had the time, but there was never a moment where I didn't have compassion for what she was going through. Does my daughter really not have any compassion for her own mother? Or does she stuff it down so deep and keep herself so busy and give herself excuses, that she cannot even feel? As her mother, I worry for her. I love her, and I want her to be honest with herself. I could die in surgery...(probably won't) and then would she be hard on herself and wish she had been there to say good by? I guess she thinks she has time. I don't know what she thinks! Maybe she doesn't even think! It is so weird that I have a son who is so intuitive and kind and sensitive, and he is in prison....and my daughter is living the high life with every material thing that people think brings happiness, and yet, she is the one that I worry about! I am so sad that I don't know my daughter, and I was so sad that my mother died and she never let me in to know who she really was. I hope there is time for her to change and feel okay for loving her mother.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Date for surgery, reality sets in
I got the date for my surgery, December 12. It's really going to happen!
I saw the oncologist today and that brought up the reality of maybe having to have chemo after the surgery. He will know after we get the results from the pathology of my lymph nodes. I really don't want this to go "that far".
I saw a book in the waiting room of artwork by breast cancer patients called "expressions of a womans cancer journey". One of the words that stood out for me was "mutilation". For some reason I identified with it. But what came up for me was that I have felt that my body was mutilated from the time I got horrible stretch marks from pregnancy and my husband at the time told me how gross they were to him. He also told me my breasts were ugly. I can remember standing in front of the mirror a month or so after giving birth to my daughter, and he came up next to me to express these things.
Also, for all my life, I have picked at myself, literally making wounds on my body. I don't cut myself, but I think it comes from the same place. It just feels "right" when I do it. It's like "my body is already mutilated, so I am just doing what it wants......" In the last 10 years, since my life started falling apart, and i started getting old, with skin hanging, getting fatter, I saw no reason to do anything about it because it just is what it is.....ugly. No man is going to love me anyway, so keep digging at my skin, getting some kind of momentary pleasure from it. It is like an addiction. But when for a moment I may think how bad I am going to look, I consider I already look so bad, so what? It is hard to put words to what the feeling is. All I know is that it "takes me away, or takes me into myself, or something like that". It is a very shameful feeling when I pick at myself, and unfortunatly the scars can be observed by others and I don't want that to happen.
So whats the big deal of having no breasts???? Now I can really have an excuse for why no man would ever want me! The idea of dealing with a relationship is much worse than not having my breasts. So maybe it makes me feel even more safe. I don't ever want to "want" a man and face rejection ever again.
The one man that didn't reject me was my last husband. But he "used" me, and that didn't feel like love, so I was rejected by him, not in words but by the way he treated me. Being single is so much easier. It is lonely, but I have learned to live alone. I like being alone and making my own decisions about my every moment. I can choose for myself. Having my good friend Jeanne and my son is almost enough. But if only my daughter could love me, life would be pretty damn good. Each day that she doesn't get ahold of me makes me wonder how she can be so.......unfeeling
I saw the oncologist today and that brought up the reality of maybe having to have chemo after the surgery. He will know after we get the results from the pathology of my lymph nodes. I really don't want this to go "that far".
I saw a book in the waiting room of artwork by breast cancer patients called "expressions of a womans cancer journey". One of the words that stood out for me was "mutilation". For some reason I identified with it. But what came up for me was that I have felt that my body was mutilated from the time I got horrible stretch marks from pregnancy and my husband at the time told me how gross they were to him. He also told me my breasts were ugly. I can remember standing in front of the mirror a month or so after giving birth to my daughter, and he came up next to me to express these things.
Also, for all my life, I have picked at myself, literally making wounds on my body. I don't cut myself, but I think it comes from the same place. It just feels "right" when I do it. It's like "my body is already mutilated, so I am just doing what it wants......" In the last 10 years, since my life started falling apart, and i started getting old, with skin hanging, getting fatter, I saw no reason to do anything about it because it just is what it is.....ugly. No man is going to love me anyway, so keep digging at my skin, getting some kind of momentary pleasure from it. It is like an addiction. But when for a moment I may think how bad I am going to look, I consider I already look so bad, so what? It is hard to put words to what the feeling is. All I know is that it "takes me away, or takes me into myself, or something like that". It is a very shameful feeling when I pick at myself, and unfortunatly the scars can be observed by others and I don't want that to happen.
So whats the big deal of having no breasts???? Now I can really have an excuse for why no man would ever want me! The idea of dealing with a relationship is much worse than not having my breasts. So maybe it makes me feel even more safe. I don't ever want to "want" a man and face rejection ever again.
The one man that didn't reject me was my last husband. But he "used" me, and that didn't feel like love, so I was rejected by him, not in words but by the way he treated me. Being single is so much easier. It is lonely, but I have learned to live alone. I like being alone and making my own decisions about my every moment. I can choose for myself. Having my good friend Jeanne and my son is almost enough. But if only my daughter could love me, life would be pretty damn good. Each day that she doesn't get ahold of me makes me wonder how she can be so.......unfeeling
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Still waiting for the surgery
I still don't know if I will have the surgery next week, as we are still waiting for the infection to subside.
I am on another dose of antibiotics, but my breast around my nipple where the biopsy was, opens up and still ooses. I don't know if this means it is still infected.
I don't seem to have any emotion around having the surgery. I don't really think about it much. Does that mean I am holding back my feelings? It doesn't feel like that. Maybe I am just getting used to tragedy in my life, and it isn't a big deal any more. Life has become a series of challenges, and it is just another challenge. what can I do? Nothing. It is what it is. I sometimes look at my breasts and wonder what it will look like without them there, and then wonder if I will freak out!
My daughter still hasn't gotten ahold of me, and I suspect if she hasn't wanted to by now, why would she in the future? My son will probably be in prison the rest of his life, and we are helpless to do anything about that. the only thing i have control over is what I am doing right now. Have I really grown to a place of wisdom where acceptance of what is, is really what is happening....I am no some sage or old wise woman, but you know, maybe I am. Maybe all of these struggles have finally gotten me to this place? I have had years of wanting to end it all, and couldn't do it because it wasn't the answer. I have had husbands and relationships and realized they don't work for me, and I don't agonize over wanting a lover in my life.
Right now, I am excited that I have rented a small space where i can have my art studio and have a little shop where I can sell my many artistic projects of jewelry, silk painted clothing and fabric, paintings, antiques, whatever. I am going to call it Joslins Gallery & Collectables. I don't have to make money, just enough to pay the rent. It is something I have always wanted and a way to get rid of all the stuff I have collected for years. (Good fung Shui). I will meet people and be able to do things on my own time. I will even have my easy chair there to take my rests.
So, again, am I just in denial? Or have I come to a place in my life of acceptance of what is? I know if I lost one of my children, it would be painful, but I have lost my son in a way that is slow and agonizing, watching him suffer. I have had to learn to accept his suffering too. That is the hardest lesson. To allow your child to suffer, accept you have no power to change his suffering, and still live in this world and find some happiness.
And to be able to forgive my daughter for what she is doing. To accept what she needs to do for her own life and happiness. To not judge her for not having compassion in her heart for me. To accept that the dream I had of having my daughter love me and accept me for who I am. I had to accept my mother not loving me in the way I wanted to be loved, unconditionally. I don't know if I have done that, but having it happen all over again with my own daughter has been hard.
I am truly alone, even though a have my son who loves me, but can't be with me physically, and I have a good friend, his girlfriend who takes care of me when I need her. All the fantasys we have about life being sweet and kind and loving were just that, "fantasys". I used to think that "one day it would happen", but it hasn't happened yet. But I do manage to find some sweetness and love, here and there (especially in a pint of ice cream).
Enough for today.
I am on another dose of antibiotics, but my breast around my nipple where the biopsy was, opens up and still ooses. I don't know if this means it is still infected.
I don't seem to have any emotion around having the surgery. I don't really think about it much. Does that mean I am holding back my feelings? It doesn't feel like that. Maybe I am just getting used to tragedy in my life, and it isn't a big deal any more. Life has become a series of challenges, and it is just another challenge. what can I do? Nothing. It is what it is. I sometimes look at my breasts and wonder what it will look like without them there, and then wonder if I will freak out!
My daughter still hasn't gotten ahold of me, and I suspect if she hasn't wanted to by now, why would she in the future? My son will probably be in prison the rest of his life, and we are helpless to do anything about that. the only thing i have control over is what I am doing right now. Have I really grown to a place of wisdom where acceptance of what is, is really what is happening....I am no some sage or old wise woman, but you know, maybe I am. Maybe all of these struggles have finally gotten me to this place? I have had years of wanting to end it all, and couldn't do it because it wasn't the answer. I have had husbands and relationships and realized they don't work for me, and I don't agonize over wanting a lover in my life.
Right now, I am excited that I have rented a small space where i can have my art studio and have a little shop where I can sell my many artistic projects of jewelry, silk painted clothing and fabric, paintings, antiques, whatever. I am going to call it Joslins Gallery & Collectables. I don't have to make money, just enough to pay the rent. It is something I have always wanted and a way to get rid of all the stuff I have collected for years. (Good fung Shui). I will meet people and be able to do things on my own time. I will even have my easy chair there to take my rests.
So, again, am I just in denial? Or have I come to a place in my life of acceptance of what is? I know if I lost one of my children, it would be painful, but I have lost my son in a way that is slow and agonizing, watching him suffer. I have had to learn to accept his suffering too. That is the hardest lesson. To allow your child to suffer, accept you have no power to change his suffering, and still live in this world and find some happiness.
And to be able to forgive my daughter for what she is doing. To accept what she needs to do for her own life and happiness. To not judge her for not having compassion in her heart for me. To accept that the dream I had of having my daughter love me and accept me for who I am. I had to accept my mother not loving me in the way I wanted to be loved, unconditionally. I don't know if I have done that, but having it happen all over again with my own daughter has been hard.
I am truly alone, even though a have my son who loves me, but can't be with me physically, and I have a good friend, his girlfriend who takes care of me when I need her. All the fantasys we have about life being sweet and kind and loving were just that, "fantasys". I used to think that "one day it would happen", but it hasn't happened yet. But I do manage to find some sweetness and love, here and there (especially in a pint of ice cream).
Enough for today.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
MRI Scan
Yesterday I had a complete body scan. I didn't know what I was in for, but it was more difficult than I had thought. The first part is okay where they inject into your vein some kind of radiated stuff that goes in and leaves a trace for the MRI to see. They have you rest for an hour while it goes through you, and then you are put onto a platform, which seemed okay, but I had to put my arms behind my head and "not move them". Well, after having had the biopsy in my right breast 5 years ago, I guess I hadn't stretched those muscles enough, plus the infection is still there.....well within 5 minutes my arms were in such pain I had thoughts of those people who are tortured by being hung by there arms...I had to just put up with it, but I thought I was going to scream. When I realized that it was over because the table was moving me out of the machine, I tried to move my arms and they were numb...numb and in pain. It took about an hour before they felt decent. I hadn't eaten all day, either because that was part of the procedure, and I didn't know if I could even drive home after that. I stopped at a Taco Bell, muffed down some crappy thing and felt sick. I got home and went right to bed.
I had seen the doctor that morning, and he said the infection was getting better, and the oozing puss coming out was good. He gave me a shopping bag full of gauze and tape. He now says the surgery will be after thanksgiving. I have felt very tired and not been able to go to my studio and paint...it is just enough to get through the day and keep my house clean. Of course, I have the issue of the Lyme and chronic fatigue, and I'm amazed I am even doing that!
I am not really feeling any drama around having the surgery. The doctor says that the recovery isn't any worse than the breast reduction I had, and probably easier because there won't be any scare tissue or anything to have pain except for the lymph area and the cuts. So it sounds better than when you see the pictures of the surgery on the internet. What I mean is it looks worse than in feels....but we will see, won't we?
I hope this blog helps others go through this. I know that because of my age, losing my breasts isn't as difficult as if I were young. But sometimes we get into the "drama" of the idea of it, more than in actuality. It is great that we now have a president who's motto is and was "NO DRAMA OBAMA".
Just thought I would add a new picture of me visiting my son in prison last weekend. I am the redhead, and the other woman is my sons "stepmother" who was my married to my husband after he and I divorced. She and I live near each other. It was such a good visit because she was depressed and actually has Lymes disease like I do, and hadn't seen John for a couple of years. We both agreed that he is a "healer". It isn't just us who know that, but anyone who is in his presence. The men inside are lucky to have him there for them, but I want him out here for me and for the rest of the world where he could be healing so many young people with his story of how he got in there and how "therefor but for the grace of God" it could happen to any one of us.
People think that "those in prison" are not like them and are just "bad seeds". But it isn't true. any one of us could end up with a loved one in prison or be there ourselves, just by fate. We should all want civil rights for the incarcerated and not just deal with prison issues because it isn't about us. I will right more on this issue, as it is very important to me to tell the world and educate the people about this. We are all "victims". It isn't only the "victims" of crime who are affected. If we could see that "they are us"and try to understand what is behind people committing crimes, the world would be a compassionate and much better place to live. If one thinks that they are safer because "the bad guys are behind bars"....you don't know.
Anyway, enought for today
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Infection waining but very problematic
November 15, 2008
I Haven’t felt well these last few days. The infection is still with me and last night my breast suchers opened up and drained out bloody fluid. I put paper towels in my bra to soak it up. I didn’t call the doctor because this had happened last Saturday and the doctor said it was okay as long as the infection wasn’t spreading.
This is going to take a long time, so life goes on.
I don’t have much to say tonight but wanted to keep my progress updated.
I Haven’t felt well these last few days. The infection is still with me and last night my breast suchers opened up and drained out bloody fluid. I put paper towels in my bra to soak it up. I didn’t call the doctor because this had happened last Saturday and the doctor said it was okay as long as the infection wasn’t spreading.
This is going to take a long time, so life goes on.
I don’t have much to say tonight but wanted to keep my progress updated.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Boobs in the 70's
So, the "girls" look decent now that I look back, but I had stretch marks and a belly, and there were the thighs I didn't like. Also, a great tan, which now has turned into arm, legs and chest full of age spots from all the years. Of course we didn't know then that sitting in the sun would cause anything bad, we just wanted to look beautiful at the moment, didn't we? I am now embarassed to show my arms. Just think of it...if I could stand the pain of tatooing, I could cover my hands and arms and chest....Hey, you tatoo artists, get ahold of all of us old hippies and artists out there and have a whole business of covering up the spots! Sometimes when I see young girls suntanning themselves I show them what their future is going to look like on my arms.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Creativity in full blossom
BREAST DIARY NOV 11
Wow, did I get some great creative ideas last night. I looked up on the internet to see if any one had done tattoos on their chests after the surgery. There are some, but not what I had in mind. As an artist, I am picturing all kinds of abstract vines and flowers or whatever on my chest going over my shoulder (one shoulder only would look good, and the down toward my waist on the other side. I am excited about having a beautiful chest for once in my life. I am not planning on getting new breasts, but using my chest as a canvas. What a concept??? I would of course wait for however long the doctor thinks would be best.
Another idea is before surgery, to write a note on my breasts so that when I am brought into surgery, the whole gang with my doctors will see “Hi Dr Bradshaw…say goodbye to the girls for me”. I would like to say “now don’t mess up!” but he is such a sweetheart that I know he won’t “mess up”.
It is now nearing 9:00pm, and I have been on the phone with friends telling them of my ideas. I bought some kids paint stuff today, some glitter too, and asked friends if they would be willing to paint on my chest before the “girls” are removed, and it is a trip to observe friends reactions. My own daughter, who thinks I am “out there” and is very different than me, would probably think I am just being “weird” as usual!. Too bad she cannot appreciate the amazing woman I am that can go through this with a sense of humor and creativity. I had a great day today, thinking about what I will do with my latest “art medium” I have come up with. I have always loved trying a new medium in painting or art, and I feel like I have an original idea at last!
Wow, did I get some great creative ideas last night. I looked up on the internet to see if any one had done tattoos on their chests after the surgery. There are some, but not what I had in mind. As an artist, I am picturing all kinds of abstract vines and flowers or whatever on my chest going over my shoulder (one shoulder only would look good, and the down toward my waist on the other side. I am excited about having a beautiful chest for once in my life. I am not planning on getting new breasts, but using my chest as a canvas. What a concept??? I would of course wait for however long the doctor thinks would be best.
Another idea is before surgery, to write a note on my breasts so that when I am brought into surgery, the whole gang with my doctors will see “Hi Dr Bradshaw…say goodbye to the girls for me”. I would like to say “now don’t mess up!” but he is such a sweetheart that I know he won’t “mess up”.
It is now nearing 9:00pm, and I have been on the phone with friends telling them of my ideas. I bought some kids paint stuff today, some glitter too, and asked friends if they would be willing to paint on my chest before the “girls” are removed, and it is a trip to observe friends reactions. My own daughter, who thinks I am “out there” and is very different than me, would probably think I am just being “weird” as usual!. Too bad she cannot appreciate the amazing woman I am that can go through this with a sense of humor and creativity. I had a great day today, thinking about what I will do with my latest “art medium” I have come up with. I have always loved trying a new medium in painting or art, and I feel like I have an original idea at last!
Breast Cancer Diary
BREAST CANCER DIAIRY
NOV. 7, 2008
Thought I would start this at the point where I really “got it” that I will be having a mastectomy and maybe even end up with my mother’s story of breast cancer.
Before the cancer returned which I found out a week ago after having biopsy surgery on Halloween, two days before my 66th birthday, I never even imagined that I may die of cancer.
When I first got it, my son had just been arrested and was in jail and contemplating suicide, and my getting cancer made him realize that he couldn’t be selfish, and turned his compassion to me. It all felt so “fateful, meaning full”, and I had a lumpectomy and then radiation and then I started on the chemo pill, which my doctor said if I did all this, I would have only a 10% chance of cancer return.
My life was very stressful as I had been suffering from what I thought was fibromyaligia and chronic fatigue for at least 13 years. My wonder son had made one fateful mistake with drugs and ended up in prison, maybe for the rest of his life. My daughter and I, really hadn’t been close for years, since I lost all my money in a stupid decision based on my greed and someone else’s clever plan in a “ponsy scheme”. So I was in a financial mess, trying to figure out how a 62 year old woman, who, as an artist, who didn’t have many skills or credible work history was going to survive. I had very little social security, but could quality for SSI because I owned my own mobile home, etc.
I was the only person in my son’s life who had the time or desires to visit my son and hold him up with what he was going through. My daughter took care of all the financial and legal needs that came up, but she wasn’t the emotionally strong one. Unbelievably, I have turned out to be that one in his life who kept him from wanting to end it all.
So I took the “arimidex” which was a fairly new drug, which I was told would keep the cancer from returning, but it made my bones ache even more than I already had with the fibromyalgia (which has turned out to be Lyme disease from the beginning). I had to get a Cain to make sure I didn’t fall over when walking and I realized that I couldn’t take the drug any more and be able to work. At that time, and long before, my family didn’t believe that there was anything physically wrong with me…they expressed to me that I just didn’t want to work, like other older women who “seemed happy working at 9 to 5 jobs standing on their feet all day long”. When I would try to explain, I was humiliated and told that I just had to “do what I had to do in order to survive”.
So I stopped taking the Arimedex and I did get a little bit better. I got a few jobs, but I could not stand and fold clothes or whatever for the $8 an hour. My struggle through applying for many jobs at low income wages, but being turned down because of not having any experience (but I think it was because of my age which is illegal) finally depressed me even more to the point of wanting to give it all up, as life was not only such a struggle, but boring and unfulfilling, was to g to bed every night and want to take all the pills next to me that I took to try to sleep and alleviate pain and really get the hell out of this! But what would happen to my son? I was his rock? I was the only one he really had that visited him and related to him? There was no way out!
My daughter had huge issues with thinking that she would have t take care of me in my old age since I had lost all the money, and she could be very verbally abusive. She could have just given me about $600 a month and it would have solved all the issues. I could have paid the space rent for my mobile home, which was paid for, and I could have lived very simply, as I do very easily, but there was no way that she could do that with the issues she had with me. It wasn’t about money, because she and her husband make over a million a year…. But that was money for her family, and whatever it was, she wouldn’t spend a dime on me. She was very good with money, and in 2007 I said to her, just take over my money, and I will do what it is I have to do. But then she said I couldn’t afford to visit my son or even get calls from him….that I had to just “take it”, because it was all my doing that I got in this mess. I cried on the phone as she told me this, and she got mad and pissed off. The next day, I went to her house, got all my files and said that “I would take care of my life!” We haven’t spoken since then.
Through my ingenuity and because I had turned 65, I was able to get low income house, food stamps and Medicare, and medical, and my financial situation is secure as far as I am concerned. I live in a little apartment (500sq ft) in Auburn, a couple of hours from her, but closer to my son in prison, and I was just settling into my new life, when I got the mammogram, And there they were! Three lumps in the same breast that I had the one in before! I am now in a category of breast cancer that the doctor even has to read up on, because most women don’t get it back after the radiation and the type a, invasive that I had before.
I took the first pictures of my breasts tonight.
4 days after the biopsy, I got an infection in the breast, and I am on my second antibiotic to try to fight it. Tonight it still looks the same, and I have been on it for 30 hours.
Two days ago I went to the emergency room because the first pill wasn’t working, and I oozed out from the surgical places, three times during the next day. He took a biopsy, and I hope it is that staff infection that is resistive to antibiotics.
I love my Dr Bradshaw. He had tears when he told me that it turned out to be cancer…and then when I got this infection, he hugged me and told me I was a really great person and he personally made me feel like he liked me for me. He is so honest, but doesn’t like telling me the hard stuff. So I have an appt in two days when the written prognosis comes in, and then we will decide what to do. He has told me that the one breast definitely has to be taken, and that cancer will come eventually to the other. It is my choice to take both. To me, if one has to got, why not make a match? And then I don’t have to worry. Of course, because the “cause” isn’t gone, I have CANCER, which I finally “get” and that means it could be in my body. So I am going to get a body scan. It just seems so weird, I can’t really imagine that it may have spread, but I went through this with my mother. We found it in her lung first, though, and she didn’t smoke, and then they found the breast tumor after, and it had metastasized. I grew up in Marin County, so has my daughter (just thought I would throw that in because Marin has to most cases of breast cancer than anywhere in the world.)
NOVEMBER 8
Infection seems to be getting better. Took some pictures and drew a funny face on the “trouble maker” sick one. I think I will try to have different personalities on different days before they “travel to the other world”. I just as soon wherever they are going, no one else has to live with them.
I never liked my breasts much because they went to the side, didn’t face forward like what I thought all other girls breasts must look like, I never saw my mother’s of course. Mothers didn’t let you see them nude then.
Mine didn’t anyway. So I ignored them pretty much because they weren’t too small or too big. I was more worried that I was of course too tall (5’9”) and that my I didn’t have those nice skinny thighs. My feet were large and I thought my ankles were skinny. I never thought I was attractive in any way. I was good at sports and had friends who were boys.
So now, in these last few days, I think I will get to know them better. Close up Macro photo really gives you the details. I had a breast reduction about ten years ago because they hung way down and under my arms and were really ugly and uncomfortable.
After that I went without a bra most of the time because they were so uncomfortable, but it was nice because the were “up” and firmer than before. After the lumpectomy the first time, the right once had a huge sunken deformity, and my left has gone south again. So they really are “an unusual pair”, like non identical twins. But they are both coming off soon, even though the cancer is not in the left one, but the doctor says it will come again sooner than later. I really don’t feel like I will feel “less of a woman”, and at 66 yrs old I don’t see myself having another man in my life. If I did, I might get the new ones put in if it pleased me and made ME feel better. But I wouldn’t want someone who doesn’t accept this body, that is old and fallen and fat anyway. (I was always told “I had a good personality)...and you know what that meant??
Last night I couldn’t sleep and I thought a lot about how maybe this is fateful so that my daughter could finally change, and learn to open her heart to her feelings instead of always getting mad as a way to deal with issues. Maybe she would finally realize that she could lose her mother, and feel the reality that she may lose me (here I go again). I cried and thought how it would be worth suffering so that her soul could grow. I as a mother would want that for my child more than anything…maybe she chose me as her mother for that very reason. Maybe I can die knowing that both of my children found what they wanted to in this lifetime to grow spiritually. But then I have to remember that she is a young soul, like a 5 year old, and hasn’t the ability in this lifetime to be like her brother who is an old soul and a sage with a lot of wisdom. I understand why he is where he is, in prison to give the love he wears on his sleeve, helping others, which was what he always wanted to do and was doing. He is my hero, and I know is a much older soul than me…but I know he chose me for a reason. He tells me that I was the one who taught him to be compassionate and to see all people as souls with different costumes on and to no think that he was better than anyone, even a murderer. (I heard Barrack Obama say that it was his mother who taught him the same thing).enough for tonight….9:30pm
NOV. 7, 2008
Thought I would start this at the point where I really “got it” that I will be having a mastectomy and maybe even end up with my mother’s story of breast cancer.
Before the cancer returned which I found out a week ago after having biopsy surgery on Halloween, two days before my 66th birthday, I never even imagined that I may die of cancer.
When I first got it, my son had just been arrested and was in jail and contemplating suicide, and my getting cancer made him realize that he couldn’t be selfish, and turned his compassion to me. It all felt so “fateful, meaning full”, and I had a lumpectomy and then radiation and then I started on the chemo pill, which my doctor said if I did all this, I would have only a 10% chance of cancer return.
My life was very stressful as I had been suffering from what I thought was fibromyaligia and chronic fatigue for at least 13 years. My wonder son had made one fateful mistake with drugs and ended up in prison, maybe for the rest of his life. My daughter and I, really hadn’t been close for years, since I lost all my money in a stupid decision based on my greed and someone else’s clever plan in a “ponsy scheme”. So I was in a financial mess, trying to figure out how a 62 year old woman, who, as an artist, who didn’t have many skills or credible work history was going to survive. I had very little social security, but could quality for SSI because I owned my own mobile home, etc.
I was the only person in my son’s life who had the time or desires to visit my son and hold him up with what he was going through. My daughter took care of all the financial and legal needs that came up, but she wasn’t the emotionally strong one. Unbelievably, I have turned out to be that one in his life who kept him from wanting to end it all.
So I took the “arimidex” which was a fairly new drug, which I was told would keep the cancer from returning, but it made my bones ache even more than I already had with the fibromyalgia (which has turned out to be Lyme disease from the beginning). I had to get a Cain to make sure I didn’t fall over when walking and I realized that I couldn’t take the drug any more and be able to work. At that time, and long before, my family didn’t believe that there was anything physically wrong with me…they expressed to me that I just didn’t want to work, like other older women who “seemed happy working at 9 to 5 jobs standing on their feet all day long”. When I would try to explain, I was humiliated and told that I just had to “do what I had to do in order to survive”.
So I stopped taking the Arimedex and I did get a little bit better. I got a few jobs, but I could not stand and fold clothes or whatever for the $8 an hour. My struggle through applying for many jobs at low income wages, but being turned down because of not having any experience (but I think it was because of my age which is illegal) finally depressed me even more to the point of wanting to give it all up, as life was not only such a struggle, but boring and unfulfilling, was to g to bed every night and want to take all the pills next to me that I took to try to sleep and alleviate pain and really get the hell out of this! But what would happen to my son? I was his rock? I was the only one he really had that visited him and related to him? There was no way out!
My daughter had huge issues with thinking that she would have t take care of me in my old age since I had lost all the money, and she could be very verbally abusive. She could have just given me about $600 a month and it would have solved all the issues. I could have paid the space rent for my mobile home, which was paid for, and I could have lived very simply, as I do very easily, but there was no way that she could do that with the issues she had with me. It wasn’t about money, because she and her husband make over a million a year…. But that was money for her family, and whatever it was, she wouldn’t spend a dime on me. She was very good with money, and in 2007 I said to her, just take over my money, and I will do what it is I have to do. But then she said I couldn’t afford to visit my son or even get calls from him….that I had to just “take it”, because it was all my doing that I got in this mess. I cried on the phone as she told me this, and she got mad and pissed off. The next day, I went to her house, got all my files and said that “I would take care of my life!” We haven’t spoken since then.
Through my ingenuity and because I had turned 65, I was able to get low income house, food stamps and Medicare, and medical, and my financial situation is secure as far as I am concerned. I live in a little apartment (500sq ft) in Auburn, a couple of hours from her, but closer to my son in prison, and I was just settling into my new life, when I got the mammogram, And there they were! Three lumps in the same breast that I had the one in before! I am now in a category of breast cancer that the doctor even has to read up on, because most women don’t get it back after the radiation and the type a, invasive that I had before.
I took the first pictures of my breasts tonight.
4 days after the biopsy, I got an infection in the breast, and I am on my second antibiotic to try to fight it. Tonight it still looks the same, and I have been on it for 30 hours.
Two days ago I went to the emergency room because the first pill wasn’t working, and I oozed out from the surgical places, three times during the next day. He took a biopsy, and I hope it is that staff infection that is resistive to antibiotics.
I love my Dr Bradshaw. He had tears when he told me that it turned out to be cancer…and then when I got this infection, he hugged me and told me I was a really great person and he personally made me feel like he liked me for me. He is so honest, but doesn’t like telling me the hard stuff. So I have an appt in two days when the written prognosis comes in, and then we will decide what to do. He has told me that the one breast definitely has to be taken, and that cancer will come eventually to the other. It is my choice to take both. To me, if one has to got, why not make a match? And then I don’t have to worry. Of course, because the “cause” isn’t gone, I have CANCER, which I finally “get” and that means it could be in my body. So I am going to get a body scan. It just seems so weird, I can’t really imagine that it may have spread, but I went through this with my mother. We found it in her lung first, though, and she didn’t smoke, and then they found the breast tumor after, and it had metastasized. I grew up in Marin County, so has my daughter (just thought I would throw that in because Marin has to most cases of breast cancer than anywhere in the world.)
NOVEMBER 8
Infection seems to be getting better. Took some pictures and drew a funny face on the “trouble maker” sick one. I think I will try to have different personalities on different days before they “travel to the other world”. I just as soon wherever they are going, no one else has to live with them.
I never liked my breasts much because they went to the side, didn’t face forward like what I thought all other girls breasts must look like, I never saw my mother’s of course. Mothers didn’t let you see them nude then.
Mine didn’t anyway. So I ignored them pretty much because they weren’t too small or too big. I was more worried that I was of course too tall (5’9”) and that my I didn’t have those nice skinny thighs. My feet were large and I thought my ankles were skinny. I never thought I was attractive in any way. I was good at sports and had friends who were boys.
So now, in these last few days, I think I will get to know them better. Close up Macro photo really gives you the details. I had a breast reduction about ten years ago because they hung way down and under my arms and were really ugly and uncomfortable.
After that I went without a bra most of the time because they were so uncomfortable, but it was nice because the were “up” and firmer than before. After the lumpectomy the first time, the right once had a huge sunken deformity, and my left has gone south again. So they really are “an unusual pair”, like non identical twins. But they are both coming off soon, even though the cancer is not in the left one, but the doctor says it will come again sooner than later. I really don’t feel like I will feel “less of a woman”, and at 66 yrs old I don’t see myself having another man in my life. If I did, I might get the new ones put in if it pleased me and made ME feel better. But I wouldn’t want someone who doesn’t accept this body, that is old and fallen and fat anyway. (I was always told “I had a good personality)...and you know what that meant??
Last night I couldn’t sleep and I thought a lot about how maybe this is fateful so that my daughter could finally change, and learn to open her heart to her feelings instead of always getting mad as a way to deal with issues. Maybe she would finally realize that she could lose her mother, and feel the reality that she may lose me (here I go again). I cried and thought how it would be worth suffering so that her soul could grow. I as a mother would want that for my child more than anything…maybe she chose me as her mother for that very reason. Maybe I can die knowing that both of my children found what they wanted to in this lifetime to grow spiritually. But then I have to remember that she is a young soul, like a 5 year old, and hasn’t the ability in this lifetime to be like her brother who is an old soul and a sage with a lot of wisdom. I understand why he is where he is, in prison to give the love he wears on his sleeve, helping others, which was what he always wanted to do and was doing. He is my hero, and I know is a much older soul than me…but I know he chose me for a reason. He tells me that I was the one who taught him to be compassionate and to see all people as souls with different costumes on and to no think that he was better than anyone, even a murderer. (I heard Barrack Obama say that it was his mother who taught him the same thing).enough for tonight….9:30pm
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