gettomg ready for "the big day"

I feel much more at ease after seeing my surgeon today. I know I am in good hands. He isn't that stuffy "I am the doctor" kind of guy, yet I feel he is the best because he sees me not as a patient, but as an individual. You can just tell. He walked in, held out his arms and I was able to tell him how scared I was. He didn't try to talk me out of it, but just asked what I needed to have him explain. He is going to try to do the "blue dye centinal lobe" before he just goes in and takes out all the lymph nodes. He is worried that because of the former surgerys,, there will be too much scar tissue for it to work, but we will give it a try before. My scare will go under my arm anyway because of my breast tissue going that way, anyway. He is going to try to make it all look as smooth as possible. He is also going to give me IV antibiotics while I am in the hospital to make sure that the infection i may still have won't go anywhere.

I have such good friends, and especially my friend Linda who is taking me there and will be really watching over me. I really trust her knowledge and that she will be the best advocate I could have between me and the nurses (if you know what I mean). She is so sick herself, but I realize that she does care and will go out of her way to help me. It has always been hard for me to ask for help, feeling like I am putting others out of their way for me, but Linda makes me realize that she would be hurt if I didn't ask for her help...that is a new way for me of seeing things. I am allergic to morphine,and every time I have had surgery, they try to give it to me, even though it says everywhere that I am allergic ! I also want to stay on a liquid diet as long as I can. I have fasted before, and I know it gives my body a better chance of focusing on healing instead of digesting. I would like to then stick to a mostly vegetable diet if I can. I would really love to lose weight after all this. My health needs it and my body needs it.

As far as my relationship with my daughter, after thinking about it, I think just sticking to us talking on the phone is a good idea for a long time. All I really want to know is how she is doing in her life (if she will share it with me) and how the kids are doing. It will take time for trust to come back for her, I think, and if we don't go into my life "which she has no interest in" there will be no emotional stuff from the past come up. I am learning that you can't expect some people in your life to accept you as you are, even your own relatives....probably mostly relatives. Learning to keep my mouth shut is a part of growing up! Listening to others, not even having suggestions or answers for them unless they ask, is a good way of being in the world.