I called the Dr today to find out how long I would be in the hospital for the surgery, thinking 24 hours was it. He said it could be 3 or 4 days! Again, a shock that it is really serious surgery...it is not just like having my breast reduction! I have been being just like my mother was with her cancer....not making a big deal out of it. But this is a big deal, and I want to express myself and not feel like I am being "over dramatic". I have always been accused of being dramatic by my mother and my children, and I have held back from myself, what it feels like to me. I don't even know how to express it, because it is so old and embedded in my persona. But what it does is make me feel alone. I don't trust that I can be myself and not be humiliated or made fun of. It is about time I express myself, don't you think? I have so afraid of what people will think. I am so like my mother, but I am not the part of her that was mean and vindictive and jealous.
I don't want to be going through this! It is not fair! It is now a time in life where I should be able to finally do what I want to do and enjoy my life for me...and what happens....I have to deal with illness, fatigue,loss of freedom, loss of my son, loss of my money, loss of my daughter, loss of my grandchildren, loss of my breasts, etc
ALERT!!! As I am writing this blog, my daughter calls me! I didn't even recognize her at first!
She wanted to tell me that she loves me(and how could I ever think she didn't)...she says at first "I don't want to get into any old stuff, I just want to tell you right now that I have decided to talk with you during this time and that she wants to figure out how to have a different kind of relationship with me". Miracles do happen! She of course was saying she isn't worried, nothing is going to happen to me, I am going to be alright (she is taking the fixing position) and she was very unemotional and matter of fact (as she always is) I just listened and told her I loved her and that it was now such a relief that the ice is broken. It is so funny, because her main thing was to make it sound like "how could i ever think for one minute that she didn't love". In other words, how could I get emotional or have all the feelings I have expressed in this blog...that it is no big deal...that is how she operates in her unemotional state that makes her feel safe. She is very afraid of emotions, and she was making sure that I didn't have any and she didn't. I don't know what she thinks "a new kind of relationship will be" but I am sure it will be on her own terms. You know, at this point in my life, I do not expect to have to kind of mother daughter relationship of my dreams, but I don't want what we had before, which was her demeaning and bullying humiliation, and my "taking it" and never commenting on it. I have had time too, to know what I will take and not take from life. I have grown up alot and been on my own, made my own place for myself without any help from her, and I don't "need her" any more. For a long time I "needed" her, and that was difficult on her too, and set us up for a very disfunctional relationship. She doesn't realize it yet, but I don't need her and therefor will not stand for the abuse any more. I will nip it in the bud, and find a way to "call her on it", before it becomes toxic.
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