Having this blog, and writing from my heart is quite brave of me. Giving the address to friends and having them see that part of me, inside and out, the truth is raw. I am trying to tell the truth as if no one is really reading this, like my diary when I was a kid. But I am exposing myself to all. My God, I even have pictures of my deformed breast! Even my brother can see me!
I want to live in the truth, but in the moment with friends, the truth can offend or be taken wrong. We all live in fear of revealing ourselves to even those we love. It comes for me, from not really trusting those I have in my life. I am afraid that if I tell the truth, they will get mad, or leave me. I really don't care a bit for them to know who I really am, I am just afraid of their reactions.
I talked with my brother tonight who is in Mexico. I know he loves me, and we are the only ones left of our family. I have always wanted a close relationship with him, but it just can't happen. We react to each other from a place that is old and embedded in our psyche's. But I love him and I know he loves me. But I really cannot be myself with him, and I don't trust that I can really tell him how I feel. I am so saddened by that, and there is always something deeply missing when I hang up the phone. We seem to "do our usual thing" that is comfortable and doesn't offend, but when I hang up, I wish we could really "know" each other. It is like my relationship with my daughter, where I always have to be "vigilant" of what I am saying. I can't relax and be myself. I don't blame them, it is my issue too.
The thing I have loved about my relationship with Jeanne is that no matter what is said, I can stand up for my truth and I know that she will hang in there until we get through it to the end and we become closer and closer because of it. We have gone through our fears of thinking the other might get hurt, disapprove, get mad, whatever, and we have a greater understanding of who we are in relationship to each other. This is why she and my son are so perfect for each other. My son and I have this issue in common. We can't lie, we can't fake it, we can't pretend...
He is even more honest at this than I am, so he is my teacher. But I know that he got this from me in his dna, and that makes me feel like a good Mother. That is my ego talking , because I really believe that he chose me as his mother so that he could be validated for who he was, and I could be validated for who I am. Living in this world where we are all so fearful of being in the truth with each other, I have a son who understands me, and I know that there is another person who "gets it" of how I am in the world. There are very few of us (in fact I think we are from some other planet sometimes) who just cannot "play the game" of this society. I keep looking for others who understand this way of being, but I am disappointed. Then I can be in his presence and relax and know that I am not so strange. Jeanne has this essence also. I am so glad that they have found each other because to me, my greatest happiness is knowing that my child is happy and has found partnership in this world.
This brings up the issue with my daughter. I am so worried about her. How can she live with herself stuffing down the feelings that must come up with me and what i am going through?
My mother was not nice to me...she never liked me...and she would humiliate me and put me down at every opportunity....yet, when she got cancer, I was there...in a minute..I cried when I found out about her cancer. I had her live with me while she was going through chemo. I visited her every day and took her to her doctor appointments. It's true, my children were grown, and I had the time, but there was never a moment where I didn't have compassion for what she was going through. Does my daughter really not have any compassion for her own mother? Or does she stuff it down so deep and keep herself so busy and give herself excuses, that she cannot even feel? As her mother, I worry for her. I love her, and I want her to be honest with herself. I could die in surgery...(probably won't) and then would she be hard on herself and wish she had been there to say good by? I guess she thinks she has time. I don't know what she thinks! Maybe she doesn't even think! It is so weird that I have a son who is so intuitive and kind and sensitive, and he is in prison....and my daughter is living the high life with every material thing that people think brings happiness, and yet, she is the one that I worry about! I am so sad that I don't know my daughter, and I was so sad that my mother died and she never let me in to know who she really was. I hope there is time for her to change and feel okay for loving her mother.
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