Overdoing it

It has been 10 days now and it is xmas eve.

I have really been overdoing it by just thinking I was doing what was "normal". but I have discovered that you really need someone to help you with almost everything that is normal. Reaching in any way, like doing the dishes, or reaching up to get a plate, even wiping yourself or taking a shower, is too much. It is just causing me not to heal fast and I still have the drains in me because of that. It feels like someone is standing on my chest with "golfing shoes". . So then I have to take more meds for the pain and that makes me really feel out of it...forgetting even the simplest things.

My friend Jeanne, who I really trusted has ended up having some sort of freak out over a misunderstanding of my helping her with money (which I dont have ) has hurt me terribly. The stress has made my healing really suffer, and I just don't understand what has happened. I cannot talk with her about it until I feel that I have my strength back. She somehow thinks I am drinking and doing drugs along with my medications, which i am not, even though my doctor said I could have a glass of wine or smoke a little pot if I wanted. (great doctor)

As far as the diagnosis goes, it is really confusing because eveidently when i had my first lumpectomy at kaiser, they had taken out more than just the centinal lobe,, and had even left some staples in there. It was pretty scared up, and he really only had one lobe to have evaluated. This means that we can't be absolutly sure that it hasn't spread. He says he thinks I am fine, but we will be talking with the oncologist to see what his recommendation is. He says I should have some kind of chemo whether it is a more mild type or the tomoxofin. but because of my already compromised imune system, he doesn't think that I should have any agressive chemo just because we aren't sure if it has spread. As usual, my case is always unusual!!! I worry because I am always the "percent" even though it is small, of the one that gets it back. I should't have gotten it back in the first place in this breast.

So maybe i will go have a glass of wine and a little hit on the pipe instead of taking a pain pill, and see how that does. It is, after all, xmas eve! Linda is making spagetti sauce as a tradition in her family, and then tomorrow if it doesn't rain maybe we can take a drive up the grass valley and see the decorations.