Still waiting for the surgery

I still don't know if I will have the surgery next week, as we are still waiting for the infection to subside.

I am on another dose of antibiotics, but my breast around my nipple where the biopsy was, opens up and still ooses. I don't know if this means it is still infected.

I don't seem to have any emotion around having the surgery. I don't really think about it much. Does that mean I am holding back my feelings? It doesn't feel like that. Maybe I am just getting used to tragedy in my life, and it isn't a big deal any more. Life has become a series of challenges, and it is just another challenge. what can I do? Nothing. It is what it is. I sometimes look at my breasts and wonder what it will look like without them there, and then wonder if I will freak out!

My daughter still hasn't gotten ahold of me, and I suspect if she hasn't wanted to by now, why would she in the future? My son will probably be in prison the rest of his life, and we are helpless to do anything about that. the only thing i have control over is what I am doing right now. Have I really grown to a place of wisdom where acceptance of what is, is really what is happening....I am no some sage or old wise woman, but you know, maybe I am. Maybe all of these struggles have finally gotten me to this place? I have had years of wanting to end it all, and couldn't do it because it wasn't the answer. I have had husbands and relationships and realized they don't work for me, and I don't agonize over wanting a lover in my life.

Right now, I am excited that I have rented a small space where i can have my art studio and have a little shop where I can sell my many artistic projects of jewelry, silk painted clothing and fabric, paintings, antiques, whatever. I am going to call it Joslins Gallery & Collectables. I don't have to make money, just enough to pay the rent. It is something I have always wanted and a way to get rid of all the stuff I have collected for years. (Good fung Shui). I will meet people and be able to do things on my own time. I will even have my easy chair there to take my rests.

So, again, am I just in denial? Or have I come to a place in my life of acceptance of what is? I know if I lost one of my children, it would be painful, but I have lost my son in a way that is slow and agonizing, watching him suffer. I have had to learn to accept his suffering too. That is the hardest lesson. To allow your child to suffer, accept you have no power to change his suffering, and still live in this world and find some happiness.

And to be able to forgive my daughter for what she is doing. To accept what she needs to do for her own life and happiness. To not judge her for not having compassion in her heart for me. To accept that the dream I had of having my daughter love me and accept me for who I am. I had to accept my mother not loving me in the way I wanted to be loved, unconditionally. I don't know if I have done that, but having it happen all over again with my own daughter has been hard.

I am truly alone, even though a have my son who loves me, but can't be with me physically, and I have a good friend, his girlfriend who takes care of me when I need her. All the fantasys we have about life being sweet and kind and loving were just that, "fantasys". I used to think that "one day it would happen", but it hasn't happened yet. But I do manage to find some sweetness and love, here and there (especially in a pint of ice cream).

Enough for today.