BREAST CANCER DIAIRY
NOV. 7, 2008
Thought I would start this at the point where I really “got it” that I will be having a mastectomy and maybe even end up with my mother’s story of breast cancer.
Before the cancer returned which I found out a week ago after having biopsy surgery on Halloween, two days before my 66th birthday, I never even imagined that I may die of cancer.
When I first got it, my son had just been arrested and was in jail and contemplating suicide, and my getting cancer made him realize that he couldn’t be selfish, and turned his compassion to me. It all felt so “fateful, meaning full”, and I had a lumpectomy and then radiation and then I started on the chemo pill, which my doctor said if I did all this, I would have only a 10% chance of cancer return.
My life was very stressful as I had been suffering from what I thought was fibromyaligia and chronic fatigue for at least 13 years. My wonder son had made one fateful mistake with drugs and ended up in prison, maybe for the rest of his life. My daughter and I, really hadn’t been close for years, since I lost all my money in a stupid decision based on my greed and someone else’s clever plan in a “ponsy scheme”. So I was in a financial mess, trying to figure out how a 62 year old woman, who, as an artist, who didn’t have many skills or credible work history was going to survive. I had very little social security, but could quality for SSI because I owned my own mobile home, etc.
I was the only person in my son’s life who had the time or desires to visit my son and hold him up with what he was going through. My daughter took care of all the financial and legal needs that came up, but she wasn’t the emotionally strong one. Unbelievably, I have turned out to be that one in his life who kept him from wanting to end it all.
So I took the “arimidex” which was a fairly new drug, which I was told would keep the cancer from returning, but it made my bones ache even more than I already had with the fibromyalgia (which has turned out to be Lyme disease from the beginning). I had to get a Cain to make sure I didn’t fall over when walking and I realized that I couldn’t take the drug any more and be able to work. At that time, and long before, my family didn’t believe that there was anything physically wrong with me…they expressed to me that I just didn’t want to work, like other older women who “seemed happy working at 9 to 5 jobs standing on their feet all day long”. When I would try to explain, I was humiliated and told that I just had to “do what I had to do in order to survive”.
So I stopped taking the Arimedex and I did get a little bit better. I got a few jobs, but I could not stand and fold clothes or whatever for the $8 an hour. My struggle through applying for many jobs at low income wages, but being turned down because of not having any experience (but I think it was because of my age which is illegal) finally depressed me even more to the point of wanting to give it all up, as life was not only such a struggle, but boring and unfulfilling, was to g to bed every night and want to take all the pills next to me that I took to try to sleep and alleviate pain and really get the hell out of this! But what would happen to my son? I was his rock? I was the only one he really had that visited him and related to him? There was no way out!
My daughter had huge issues with thinking that she would have t take care of me in my old age since I had lost all the money, and she could be very verbally abusive. She could have just given me about $600 a month and it would have solved all the issues. I could have paid the space rent for my mobile home, which was paid for, and I could have lived very simply, as I do very easily, but there was no way that she could do that with the issues she had with me. It wasn’t about money, because she and her husband make over a million a year…. But that was money for her family, and whatever it was, she wouldn’t spend a dime on me. She was very good with money, and in 2007 I said to her, just take over my money, and I will do what it is I have to do. But then she said I couldn’t afford to visit my son or even get calls from him….that I had to just “take it”, because it was all my doing that I got in this mess. I cried on the phone as she told me this, and she got mad and pissed off. The next day, I went to her house, got all my files and said that “I would take care of my life!” We haven’t spoken since then.
Through my ingenuity and because I had turned 65, I was able to get low income house, food stamps and Medicare, and medical, and my financial situation is secure as far as I am concerned. I live in a little apartment (500sq ft) in Auburn, a couple of hours from her, but closer to my son in prison, and I was just settling into my new life, when I got the mammogram, And there they were! Three lumps in the same breast that I had the one in before! I am now in a category of breast cancer that the doctor even has to read up on, because most women don’t get it back after the radiation and the type a, invasive that I had before.
I took the first pictures of my breasts tonight.
4 days after the biopsy, I got an infection in the breast, and I am on my second antibiotic to try to fight it. Tonight it still looks the same, and I have been on it for 30 hours.
Two days ago I went to the emergency room because the first pill wasn’t working, and I oozed out from the surgical places, three times during the next day. He took a biopsy, and I hope it is that staff infection that is resistive to antibiotics.
I love my Dr Bradshaw. He had tears when he told me that it turned out to be cancer…and then when I got this infection, he hugged me and told me I was a really great person and he personally made me feel like he liked me for me. He is so honest, but doesn’t like telling me the hard stuff. So I have an appt in two days when the written prognosis comes in, and then we will decide what to do. He has told me that the one breast definitely has to be taken, and that cancer will come eventually to the other. It is my choice to take both. To me, if one has to got, why not make a match? And then I don’t have to worry. Of course, because the “cause” isn’t gone, I have CANCER, which I finally “get” and that means it could be in my body. So I am going to get a body scan. It just seems so weird, I can’t really imagine that it may have spread, but I went through this with my mother. We found it in her lung first, though, and she didn’t smoke, and then they found the breast tumor after, and it had metastasized. I grew up in Marin County, so has my daughter (just thought I would throw that in because Marin has to most cases of breast cancer than anywhere in the world.)
NOVEMBER 8
Infection seems to be getting better. Took some pictures and drew a funny face on the “trouble maker” sick one. I think I will try to have different personalities on different days before they “travel to the other world”. I just as soon wherever they are going, no one else has to live with them.
I never liked my breasts much because they went to the side, didn’t face forward like what I thought all other girls breasts must look like, I never saw my mother’s of course. Mothers didn’t let you see them nude then.
Mine didn’t anyway. So I ignored them pretty much because they weren’t too small or too big. I was more worried that I was of course too tall (5’9”) and that my I didn’t have those nice skinny thighs. My feet were large and I thought my ankles were skinny. I never thought I was attractive in any way. I was good at sports and had friends who were boys.
So now, in these last few days, I think I will get to know them better. Close up Macro photo really gives you the details. I had a breast reduction about ten years ago because they hung way down and under my arms and were really ugly and uncomfortable.
After that I went without a bra most of the time because they were so uncomfortable, but it was nice because the were “up” and firmer than before. After the lumpectomy the first time, the right once had a huge sunken deformity, and my left has gone south again. So they really are “an unusual pair”, like non identical twins. But they are both coming off soon, even though the cancer is not in the left one, but the doctor says it will come again sooner than later. I really don’t feel like I will feel “less of a woman”, and at 66 yrs old I don’t see myself having another man in my life. If I did, I might get the new ones put in if it pleased me and made ME feel better. But I wouldn’t want someone who doesn’t accept this body, that is old and fallen and fat anyway. (I was always told “I had a good personality)...and you know what that meant??
Last night I couldn’t sleep and I thought a lot about how maybe this is fateful so that my daughter could finally change, and learn to open her heart to her feelings instead of always getting mad as a way to deal with issues. Maybe she would finally realize that she could lose her mother, and feel the reality that she may lose me (here I go again). I cried and thought how it would be worth suffering so that her soul could grow. I as a mother would want that for my child more than anything…maybe she chose me as her mother for that very reason. Maybe I can die knowing that both of my children found what they wanted to in this lifetime to grow spiritually. But then I have to remember that she is a young soul, like a 5 year old, and hasn’t the ability in this lifetime to be like her brother who is an old soul and a sage with a lot of wisdom. I understand why he is where he is, in prison to give the love he wears on his sleeve, helping others, which was what he always wanted to do and was doing. He is my hero, and I know is a much older soul than me…but I know he chose me for a reason. He tells me that I was the one who taught him to be compassionate and to see all people as souls with different costumes on and to no think that he was better than anyone, even a murderer. (I heard Barrack Obama say that it was his mother who taught him the same thing).enough for tonight….9:30pm
NOV. 7, 2008
Thought I would start this at the point where I really “got it” that I will be having a mastectomy and maybe even end up with my mother’s story of breast cancer.
Before the cancer returned which I found out a week ago after having biopsy surgery on Halloween, two days before my 66th birthday, I never even imagined that I may die of cancer.
When I first got it, my son had just been arrested and was in jail and contemplating suicide, and my getting cancer made him realize that he couldn’t be selfish, and turned his compassion to me. It all felt so “fateful, meaning full”, and I had a lumpectomy and then radiation and then I started on the chemo pill, which my doctor said if I did all this, I would have only a 10% chance of cancer return.
My life was very stressful as I had been suffering from what I thought was fibromyaligia and chronic fatigue for at least 13 years. My wonder son had made one fateful mistake with drugs and ended up in prison, maybe for the rest of his life. My daughter and I, really hadn’t been close for years, since I lost all my money in a stupid decision based on my greed and someone else’s clever plan in a “ponsy scheme”. So I was in a financial mess, trying to figure out how a 62 year old woman, who, as an artist, who didn’t have many skills or credible work history was going to survive. I had very little social security, but could quality for SSI because I owned my own mobile home, etc.
I was the only person in my son’s life who had the time or desires to visit my son and hold him up with what he was going through. My daughter took care of all the financial and legal needs that came up, but she wasn’t the emotionally strong one. Unbelievably, I have turned out to be that one in his life who kept him from wanting to end it all.
So I took the “arimidex” which was a fairly new drug, which I was told would keep the cancer from returning, but it made my bones ache even more than I already had with the fibromyalgia (which has turned out to be Lyme disease from the beginning). I had to get a Cain to make sure I didn’t fall over when walking and I realized that I couldn’t take the drug any more and be able to work. At that time, and long before, my family didn’t believe that there was anything physically wrong with me…they expressed to me that I just didn’t want to work, like other older women who “seemed happy working at 9 to 5 jobs standing on their feet all day long”. When I would try to explain, I was humiliated and told that I just had to “do what I had to do in order to survive”.
So I stopped taking the Arimedex and I did get a little bit better. I got a few jobs, but I could not stand and fold clothes or whatever for the $8 an hour. My struggle through applying for many jobs at low income wages, but being turned down because of not having any experience (but I think it was because of my age which is illegal) finally depressed me even more to the point of wanting to give it all up, as life was not only such a struggle, but boring and unfulfilling, was to g to bed every night and want to take all the pills next to me that I took to try to sleep and alleviate pain and really get the hell out of this! But what would happen to my son? I was his rock? I was the only one he really had that visited him and related to him? There was no way out!
My daughter had huge issues with thinking that she would have t take care of me in my old age since I had lost all the money, and she could be very verbally abusive. She could have just given me about $600 a month and it would have solved all the issues. I could have paid the space rent for my mobile home, which was paid for, and I could have lived very simply, as I do very easily, but there was no way that she could do that with the issues she had with me. It wasn’t about money, because she and her husband make over a million a year…. But that was money for her family, and whatever it was, she wouldn’t spend a dime on me. She was very good with money, and in 2007 I said to her, just take over my money, and I will do what it is I have to do. But then she said I couldn’t afford to visit my son or even get calls from him….that I had to just “take it”, because it was all my doing that I got in this mess. I cried on the phone as she told me this, and she got mad and pissed off. The next day, I went to her house, got all my files and said that “I would take care of my life!” We haven’t spoken since then.
Through my ingenuity and because I had turned 65, I was able to get low income house, food stamps and Medicare, and medical, and my financial situation is secure as far as I am concerned. I live in a little apartment (500sq ft) in Auburn, a couple of hours from her, but closer to my son in prison, and I was just settling into my new life, when I got the mammogram, And there they were! Three lumps in the same breast that I had the one in before! I am now in a category of breast cancer that the doctor even has to read up on, because most women don’t get it back after the radiation and the type a, invasive that I had before.
I took the first pictures of my breasts tonight.
4 days after the biopsy, I got an infection in the breast, and I am on my second antibiotic to try to fight it. Tonight it still looks the same, and I have been on it for 30 hours.
Two days ago I went to the emergency room because the first pill wasn’t working, and I oozed out from the surgical places, three times during the next day. He took a biopsy, and I hope it is that staff infection that is resistive to antibiotics.
I love my Dr Bradshaw. He had tears when he told me that it turned out to be cancer…and then when I got this infection, he hugged me and told me I was a really great person and he personally made me feel like he liked me for me. He is so honest, but doesn’t like telling me the hard stuff. So I have an appt in two days when the written prognosis comes in, and then we will decide what to do. He has told me that the one breast definitely has to be taken, and that cancer will come eventually to the other. It is my choice to take both. To me, if one has to got, why not make a match? And then I don’t have to worry. Of course, because the “cause” isn’t gone, I have CANCER, which I finally “get” and that means it could be in my body. So I am going to get a body scan. It just seems so weird, I can’t really imagine that it may have spread, but I went through this with my mother. We found it in her lung first, though, and she didn’t smoke, and then they found the breast tumor after, and it had metastasized. I grew up in Marin County, so has my daughter (just thought I would throw that in because Marin has to most cases of breast cancer than anywhere in the world.)
NOVEMBER 8
Infection seems to be getting better. Took some pictures and drew a funny face on the “trouble maker” sick one. I think I will try to have different personalities on different days before they “travel to the other world”. I just as soon wherever they are going, no one else has to live with them.
I never liked my breasts much because they went to the side, didn’t face forward like what I thought all other girls breasts must look like, I never saw my mother’s of course. Mothers didn’t let you see them nude then.
Mine didn’t anyway. So I ignored them pretty much because they weren’t too small or too big. I was more worried that I was of course too tall (5’9”) and that my I didn’t have those nice skinny thighs. My feet were large and I thought my ankles were skinny. I never thought I was attractive in any way. I was good at sports and had friends who were boys.
So now, in these last few days, I think I will get to know them better. Close up Macro photo really gives you the details. I had a breast reduction about ten years ago because they hung way down and under my arms and were really ugly and uncomfortable.
After that I went without a bra most of the time because they were so uncomfortable, but it was nice because the were “up” and firmer than before. After the lumpectomy the first time, the right once had a huge sunken deformity, and my left has gone south again. So they really are “an unusual pair”, like non identical twins. But they are both coming off soon, even though the cancer is not in the left one, but the doctor says it will come again sooner than later. I really don’t feel like I will feel “less of a woman”, and at 66 yrs old I don’t see myself having another man in my life. If I did, I might get the new ones put in if it pleased me and made ME feel better. But I wouldn’t want someone who doesn’t accept this body, that is old and fallen and fat anyway. (I was always told “I had a good personality)...and you know what that meant??
Last night I couldn’t sleep and I thought a lot about how maybe this is fateful so that my daughter could finally change, and learn to open her heart to her feelings instead of always getting mad as a way to deal with issues. Maybe she would finally realize that she could lose her mother, and feel the reality that she may lose me (here I go again). I cried and thought how it would be worth suffering so that her soul could grow. I as a mother would want that for my child more than anything…maybe she chose me as her mother for that very reason. Maybe I can die knowing that both of my children found what they wanted to in this lifetime to grow spiritually. But then I have to remember that she is a young soul, like a 5 year old, and hasn’t the ability in this lifetime to be like her brother who is an old soul and a sage with a lot of wisdom. I understand why he is where he is, in prison to give the love he wears on his sleeve, helping others, which was what he always wanted to do and was doing. He is my hero, and I know is a much older soul than me…but I know he chose me for a reason. He tells me that I was the one who taught him to be compassionate and to see all people as souls with different costumes on and to no think that he was better than anyone, even a murderer. (I heard Barrack Obama say that it was his mother who taught him the same thing).enough for tonight….9:30pm
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